Silence

I am smiling at you but you won't smile back.

Are you still angry?

I am trying to reach but you seem so vague.

Should I try harder?

I don't know what to ask, what to do, what to say.

Won't you help me?

We have got this silence to break.

I just need it so much. Don't you?

Won't you uttered a word,

Won't you talk like we used to?

I so hope to be heard,

And I want us to get through.

If I only could,

I would have changed everything.

I swear.

If only I get a chance,

I would made all things right.

I promise.

For it can't be just gone.

Not now.

Not ever.

Nonsense.

I'll be there for you like this shining sun.

Today.

Tomorrow.

Always.

A Thorn in My Mind.

Remember how I told you guys that I can only deal with ONE problem at a time ??  To be specific, I can't deal with step-daughter issue right now as I am still struggling with my LDR.   And both problems are coming to me at the same time today.

*SIGH*

Speaking of step-daughter issue, I feel as if our LDR can not go any further unless his daughter approves / wants me in her life.  There will be no engagement ring, no marriage certificate, no permanent resident application etc.  Nothing will happen at all.  It hurts me badly just thinking about it.  And sooner or later we have to talk about this issue again anyway.  There is no way we can run away from this.

At first I can't say this to him because I don't want him to stuck in the middle, but tonight before he left to bed I finally talked about it.  SN said that I should talk to his daughter while I think that it is father's job to do this kind of talking.  Don't you think ??!!

Anyway, he's going for a road-trip to Rotorua with his daughter in March.  He promised he will handle the situation and have a talk with her.

Still, this keeps bothering me.  I didn't say "I love you" to him at all (we usually say it all the time).  I just can't.  I bet he noticed that coz he said "Fine. Don't love me tonight then?"

Tell me, am I worry to much about this ???!!!

I don't know anything anymore.

Reach for the Happiness in Life.

Lately, we've been talking about moving in together (as in me, moving to NZ)  and getting married.  The truth is I feel weird / awkward discussing this with SN.  

a.) He didn't really pop the question.

b.) When he was about to pop, I told him not to as I want him to ask me in person - when we meet.

c.) He already knew my answer. (so what's the point of asking the question?)

A part of me sees this marriage as a mean for us to finally be together. However, it won't be that easy.  There will be other issues to deal with, such as, deal with a step-daughter, apply for permanent resident, get a new job in NZ.  ARGH !!!  Why can't I just have happily ever after ending after marriage like every body else??!!!

I am trying not to think that far. I am trying to focus only the happiness on our next meet in June.  However, I have a feeling that he will talk about our 'next step' when we meet.

As much as I love SN, I can only deal with one problem at a time. *sigh*

I am hanging in there.  Life ain't easy, we all know that.

Why am I still whining about it ??

It's been only 3 days and I got over his suggestion about the "M'' world already.  I mean, why should I even be bothered when he's not going to turn that "suggestion" into a "proposal" ??? Like I really need one.  All right.  I do need one. >_<

I'm telling you, the long distance relationship (LDR) will not be that hard as long as you two live in the same country (like USA), or even same continent (like those in Europe).  Things will be A LOT WORSE if you live  13 hours away in different country / continent like Thailand and New Zealand for example.

Anyway, from the moment I decided to take this relationship to the next level, I've done a lot of research about LDR.  (What can I say... I'm the kind of girl who always know what I want and I MUST make it work or else I'm not gonna start it in the first place.)  Things to avoid. Things to do. What to say. What not to say. What to compromise. What to fight for.

After been reading all that stuff, LRD still tough to me.  I have no clue how did I survive my last LRD with him ??!!  But as long as I can feel that he loves me - really feel it, not just those sweet talk - I think I can survive till our next meet in June.

Because my work, and I happen to like my job, I realized that I can only meet him TWICE a year.  One time in June (I'll use my annual leave) and another in December (company Christmas's holiday).  Only twice. Can you believe that ??!!  Still, I'm telling myself everyday that TWICE a year is better than NOTHING!

Again, when you think relationship is tough, try LRD.  It's tougher! It's like the ultimate test of seriousness in relationship - that's my MSN display name by the way.

But hey, it's friday night.  I am thinking about dropping by the newest pub in Bangkok.  Keeps your eyes open.  Fun is about to begin :)

Q & A

"What do you think about getting marry in June?

"You know, signing the paper and everything."

OK, I have never thought about marriage proposal before until the moment he brought this (the above conversation) up. I felt shocked and surprised at the same time. I didn't expect SN to pop the question this fast.

So I asked him back...

"Are you really sure about this?"

"Is there a place for me in your future?"

Then he replied...

"Yes."

"YES !! as my wife !!!"

Since we are always honest and open to one another, so I went...

"By the way, that wasn't a romantic proposal I had in mind"

"But it's ok. No biggie."

And he answered...

"That wasn't a proposal babe."

"It was a suggestion, since you'll be here in June anyway."

WHOA !!!! What was that ??!! I didn't see that coming !

Now, I am shocked / surprised / disappointed / embarrassed at the same time. What's that suppose to mean ???!!! He's madly in love with me but he doesn't want to marry me or what??!! My head is filled with questions but no answers.

People don't give suggestions about marriage. They propose, RIGHT ????

I Will Survive, This LDR !

5 days ago, I have come to the conclusion that I was worried too much. I should be happy with "us" at the moment. Stepparent / stepchildren, let's not think about that right now. Just take things slow!

2 days ago, I told myself to accept whatever comes along in this relationship, namely "Dating a divorced man with kid + long distance relationship." As if one issue isn't enough, I am dealing with the combo of the most difficult and complicated issues in the relationship.

And yesterday, I realized I can deal with the first part of this relationship combo - Dating a divorced man with a kid. Now I am struggling with the other part. Deep down, I KNOW I can make it WORK. It's not that hard. By the time he gets home, I am always at the office. So we have more chance in terms of communications, but I can't stop thinking about him.

Believe it or not, I still remember every single details about us.... about NZ .... so clearly as if it just happened yesterday. And I am going crazy because of that. A part of me wants to buy a plane ticket right now - even though we plan to meet again in the end of May. May, people! That's more than 4 months away !!

More than that, when we meet in MSN, he always say those sweet things to me, like, "I miss your kisses," "I miss having you next to me". SEEEEE !!! How can my heart not melt when hearing those sweet talk ??!! SN is just getting sweeter and sweeter as if he is falling deeper and deeper in love with me. (Sometimes, I even wonder if THIS is for real ??!!)

The sweet, wonderful, and romantic memory back in Christmas holiday is THE ONLY thing that keeps me alive right now. Seriously folks, I'm sooooooo wanna hold him in my arms again.

P.S. SN asked me about my blog the other day. Duh ! what makes him think I'll let him know my deep deep inside feeling. No way!! I am vulnerable enough.

Can It Get Any Worse ???

I am so screwed !! It is over now, me and SN are no longer exist.

I said something I shouldn't. Everything that I wrote in the "Unsent Message", today I've said it all. And it hurts SN so bad.

What's wrong with me?!

Why I still said things I damn knew I shouldn't ??!!

What the fuck was I thinking, to not accept his daughter as part of his life???!!!

SN said that I have to accept him for who he is and that Gabrielle is a part of 'HIM' - trust me, I am well aware of that but it so fucking difficult to accept that as both Gabrielle and I want the same thing. ARGHHHH!! I am so furious at myself right now.

Yes, I have ruined everything. I have completely ruined this relationship even though it hasn't fully started. I've finally found my other half and now I am losing him. What an idiot!

Someone just kill me please. Kill me right now.

T________T