The Final Chapter of Us

A long distance relationship between me and SN has finally come to an end.

 7 months 26 days full with happiness, loneliness, and madness.

2 Trips in New Zealand & 1 Trip in Bangkok

Blame no one else but me!

...Initiating "heart-healing" Process...

"I thought I saw a man brought to life

He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

He showed me what it was to cry

Well, you couldn't be that man I adored

You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for

But I don't know him anymore

There's nothing where he used to lie

My conversation has run dry

That's what's going on

Nothing's fine I'm TORN

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel

I'm cold and I'm ashamed, lying naked on the floor

.......

I'm TORN"

So long blogger followers.

Tonight

He said he's very happy tonight.

He said he can feel me, in his heart, tonight.

He said that he's so in love with me tonight.

He said he can feel that I'm really love him tonight.

He said many sweetest things I've never heard from him before.

But... what he doesn't seem to know is that... 

I wasn't myself tonight.

I tried to be someone else.

I tried to be a perfect quite girl who agrees with whatever he says without any questions

I tried to be someone that is totally opposite from who I truly am.

(and I was really uncomfortable with the act)

The saddest part is he likes this 'character' that I've created. He loves this 'another side' of me, which I can never be.  And that hurts me bad coz the girl he falls for isn't the real me!

You see.... 

I'm a kind of girl who speaks what's on her mind.  

I can't keep my mouth shut if I disagree with something.

"Just because you and him have different way in dealing with conflicts, doesn't mean you're not compatible."   I guess whoever came up with that, might never been in a more serious relationship.

A Note For Myself

Just open this post whenever you think you have reached your limit and you’d find out, it wasn’t your limit, it was just your emotion because you love him (I use male’s phrase) so much but you can only see his face on your fuc*in monitor and sometimes it was even call-dropped!

I want you to think of the times when the two of you said your last goodbye and how you were very sure that someday, you’d see him again. I want you to remember your promise to yourself that you wouldn’t be that stupid to stop loving him just because you’re on different page of atlas! And don’t even let me start about your words to your friend that ‘you can do it’ and your friends made those frawn upon you, but you thought ‘hell, I’m really gonna be through it!’.

Come one guys!! Love is struggling! And we have each other’s back!

These are things I’ve been thinking of when those damn hormones aren’t working:

1. Understanding. It’s really REALLY important. If you think that he’s so selfish and not understand you first, you’ve really got to quit this LDR! (Yeah, Len.. I know, It’s your words! You should make your own blog!). You have to stop counting how much you suffer or how many tears you’ve drop for crying all night. Because you need to lengthen the compromise line when you’re in LDR. I know it sucks guys! But, how bad do you want to be with him? how bad do you want to survive? If you want it that bad, COMPROMISE FIRST!
2. Good Times ONLY. Yep, while you’re in LDR, never NEVER think about bad times! Because you’re not in the same place where you can hug him or touch him to make him feel that you love him or make you feel that he loves you. So, there’s no romance in LDR.You can curse about it, but remembering bad times would just make you suffer more coz you can’t do anything to fix it! And all you need is to remember your good memories with him. And trust me,it’s really working!
3. Stop fighting over simple stuff. It’s really hard, especially for me, the one who always pay attention to simple things. And when you’re in LDR, your relationship with him would only involve messenger, video call, phone call, and emails. So, you won’t complain about his bad habits in real life, such as: making your room messy, dress really clumsy to dinner, or buy you a coca cola instead of strawberry milk. You would find simple things mattered more, such as: he mistyped “I love you” to be “I loev yu” or he kept moving while he’s on the phone with you so the signal is gone. I know it’s all annoying when it’s all the only thing you do with him, but… this point is coming back to point 1, compromise more!!

Maybe you’re the lucky ones.

God really loves you so much, then He gave you this drama to conquer. So, think about it… If you can get through this, there’s nothing that you can’t face together with him! And the two of you will be very VERY proud.

To quote Bandi:

It’s just temporary… And it’s all gonna be sooo worth it.

So….?

Still hanging in there?

Just buzz me on my messenger, or maybe join me in hundreds of crying night in front of the monitor. :p

Why?

Sometimes I feel like SN is the most sweetest man on earth. And sometimes I feel like SN is so stubborn and he's not even listening to me.

I know that no one is perfect and that's exactly why I have to be selfish and choose what's best for myself.

Briefly Babbling Vacation

Hello there... my occasional readers.  I'm back from my 12-day-vacation in New Zealand.  What an amazing holiday !!!

There were so many great things happened in this trip;

1. I had SN all for myself. 24/7
2. I got to see snow and played snow fight. (You'll be happy like me when you live in a hot humid country with no snow in  the winter)
3. SN finally cooked the food for me - well, I like a guy who knows how to cook.
4. There are some improvement in the relationship. (We talked more, had sex more, and argued more U_U )

A little more detail on #4 (I couldn't help blogging about this), we had the worst fight ever!  We yelled at each other... well, he yelled at me first so I got mad and yelled back.  He even slammed the door at me, can you  believe that??!!  That was totally RUDE!!  I mean none of my family member or my previous BFs have such a violent behavior.  I just couldn't stand it. 

I was so upset and so f***king stressed-out that I bought a pack of cigarette and smoked right in front of him. Yeah... I was that pissed off. (FYI, I only smoke when I'm upset).  I was gonna cancel the whole trip and just stay in a motel across the street.  I was like, "hey.. I didn't fly all the way here to have a fight with you."

Last X'mas... we didn't fight at all

Last March...we fought once. He cried. I cried. No yelling

This time......we fought twice.  I cried. I smoked. Lots of yelling. 

Improvement. Seeee ?? 

Some Certain Boundaries

I know... I know... It's been ages since my last post.  This week has been a really looooonnnnggg exhausted week for me.

a) Some changes has been implemented in the company, consequently I have to work longer with no over time paid.  By the time I got home, I just sleep straight away.

b) From monday to friday this week, I and SN have been arguing  EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Unbelievable !! We're about to meet in 14 days, still we're arguing.

*sigh*

We live continents apart and we just can't seem to avoid the fight.  The worse part is I feel like there is this high wall between me and him.  I know he's been upset, stressed out and all that. When I ask him about what bothers him.  He just said "It's a family thing."  

Because I and every other men I've been dated, we kinda tell each other everything.  Absolute anything.

So when SN replied "It's a family thing." I feel like he's drawn the line into... relationship zone and family zone.  And he wants me to know only those that are concerned about our relationship.  I don't think that is right ?!

Correct me if i'm wrong, but i feel like a gf / bf is the one closest to you so he/she has the rights to know anything about you.. even those little secret that u can't tell anybody. Don't you think??

I really need this 12 days vacation in New Zealand. Not only will I get to meet SN but I can have some time out after this very stressed out moment at work.  

Argghhh!!! <<< yeah... that's stress out.

Ups and Downs

At first when I started this blog, my intention was to blog about my LDR relationship ONLY. But since this past couple of weeks have been really crazy for me.  I have so many things to deal with, both work life and personal life.   Nothing but a BIG headache.  Sooo.... I need to blog about this.

First, start of with my work life -- as we all know that under this economy situation, everything just SUCKS !!  Downsizing... cutting down the expense... laying off the staffs... all of the above is currently happening in my company.  I couldn't help myself but to be freaked out by this.  If I loose this job, my mother will definitely send me to Austria, which is totally opposite side of New Zealand.  Then.... this relationship might come to an end.  New Zealand and Austria.... that's too FAR!!

As for my love life -- we fight now and then, and I DO hate that.  I hate that whenever we fight, SN just gonna say "fine!" and offline.   Unfortunately I'm not the kind of girls who chase their boyfriend around.  So if SN mads at me, who cares ??!!  SN always say that we get along better in real life.  But doesn't he notice that for the most part, our relationship is just chatting in MSN.  The worse part is when we fight I feel as if I have no strength to be in this LDR anymore :(

Well... at least my plane ticket is already confirmed.  So I'm going to fly to NZ on this coming 26th June. Just to spend some more romantic time with him (without his daughter) and go get that Sony DSLR A300. Hahaha...

I. Just. Can't. Wait. !!